You Can Call Me Al

To the AMPTP

2008-01-10T20:05:00.001-08:00

Being a fan of new media (current_, ever heard of it?), I'd like to thank the AMPTP for their astonishing lack of foresight. Because of their greed and ignorance, they have hastened the demise of broadcast television. Next Tuesday, my good friend SPJ will place yet another nail in the coffin. Don't believe me? Fine, be that way. It's not as if you guys have consistently demonstrated a complete inability to make a sound decision.

You AMPTP guys better wake up while you still have writers striking for the right to be screwed just a little bit less than you'd like. Or don't, it's your call geniuses. I'm sure local news and sports are enough to fill 18 hours a day of programming.

Since you've got time to fill next fall, why not have a reality show about the struggle to fill your schedules with so many dancing "stars", egomanical jackasses in bad wigs (you know damn well who I'm talking about), or "Survivor: Burbank".

In short, you guys suck. Since I'm apparently not running this go round, I may take a break from dealing with this climate crisis to pummel you idiots into the ground. Your move.

(Note to self: I need an editor.)

In Your Honor

2008-01-07T17:53:00.001-08:00

Thank you, Andrew Olmsted.

Andrew Olmsted

To the RIAA...

2008-01-02T19:36:00.001-08:00

Thanks for reminding me why I'm a Democrat, you greedy d#$@ebags. Apparently, you idiots won't be happy until listening to music at all is illegal.

What do I care if I piss them off? I'm apparently not running.

Love,

Fake Al

30 Rocked

2007-11-08T21:06:00.001-08:00

If you missed it, you'll have to get an invite to that ridiculous hulu thing to see my amazing performance.

Who knows where I'll be next.

I'm Blowing Up

2007-10-12T18:41:00.001-07:00

But not like you think. I kid, I kid with the fat jokes. Renders them powerless. Anyway, check this out. I won the freaking Nobel Prize. Fake crisis my ass.

Just taking a break from the party to say one thing.

What do all these things have in common?

The Oval Office
Me
Nobel Prize

They're three things that will be spending a lot of time together very soon.

Gore out.

Almost there...

2007-09-04T21:05:00.001-07:00

Stay tuned.

Gore FTW - #1 Feels Better than #3

2007-08-21T10:42:00.001-07:00

So, old Al's not looking so crazy anymore, huh? Daily Kos noticed that I had beaten out the heel nippers handily in a poll out of Detroit.

Never have I said so much so loudly as I have by saying nothing at all. I love it when a plan comes together.

You other candidates feel free to keep knocking yourselves out on the campaign trail. It's certainly fun to watch. With that, I'll reference the post that started this whole thing.

Time's almost up. Stay tuned.

Videoblogs? Not Anymore - Thanks, iMovie '08

2007-08-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

So I was all set to start a new Inconvenient Truth series of video podcasts. Been telling everyone I know how awesome it would be. Imagine my surprise when I go to edit the first episode in the new iMovie and I am presented with what appears to be Windows Movie Maker's pretty but dumb third cousin.

Although I sit on the board at Apple, they don't often listen to me about anything (see: lack of solar-powered iPhone). If they had showed iMovie '08 to me prior to its release I would have had some friends from the DEA raid Infinite Loop looking for psychotropic drugs. Multiple clicks in areas that used to require a single click? Dialog boxes? I can't import my '06 projects? WTF? Did we hire J. Allard as a "coolness" consultant or something? How is this an Apple product?

Oh well, at least my stock will go up. You guys would have like the podcast though. Now you'll never be able to experience its greatness. You wouldn't have believed the surprise guest I had who said they would only "come out" as a greenie if they could do it on my show. Such is the iLife I suppose.

Third Place Feels Just Fine

2007-08-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

So some poll shows that I am in third place support-wise on the Democrat side. By simply doing nothing I have pulled ahead of Edwards. Seems my strategy is paying off. I haven't been in the limelight to make any stupid mistakes, I haven't spent any money, and I didn't have to participate in that ridiculous YouTube debate.

I think I like Politics 2.0.

My Sendoff to Karl

2007-08-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

So, the big man steps down. I cannot think of a happier time in recent memory. It inspires the creative side of me that can only be expressed in haiku. Here's to you, evil genius:

Heard the news today
Even evil needs some rest
The sun shines again

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, or do. I don't care. As long as you actually leave.

On the other hand, you looking for work? An evil genius might be good to have on staff I suppose.

I'm So Cancelling My Subscription

2007-08-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently the bloggers over at New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer are taking a break from their usual snobbery to weigh in on the outing of my former friend. Not content to simply cover that story, their downward gaze lands on yours truly as well. I think someone needs to turn off the Vermouth tap over there so these guys can get back to kissing Don Imus' ass. That's what they do over there now right?

Here's the money quote:

"In a disturbing development, fakealgore.blogspot.com is already active."

Anyway, welcome, you gin-soaked New York Magazine readers. Everyone is welcome.

When They Say "Predicts" What They Mean is "Wishes For"

2007-07-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

From that horrible WordPress CNN blog:

"Gingrich predicts Clinton/Obama ticket"

I think a lot of hardcore conservatives are joining him in "predicting" that. I am sure he is on his knees pray.. I mean predicting that each and every day.

I'm Looking Smarter By the Minute

2007-07-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

So I'm sure you people all heard about or maybe even saw the YouTube debates.

Can anybody still ask me with a straight face why I am not running yet? Web 2.0 is cool and all, but at best this stuff just gives YouTube and CNN some additional eyeballs. At its worst you get p0wned by some tool who spent weeks searching up some arcane fact or stat to trip you up.

No thanks, I have my hands full as it is. It's fun to watch the other puppets dance for now. I'll hold out as long as I can.

With Friends Like This... - iGrudge Round 3

2007-07-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

So I came out to California for a few days thinking I could clear the air and end the feud me and you know who have apparently been having. I thought everything was going well. I've been nice. I haven't mentioned that the guest house smells of sweat soaked hot yoga mats and incense, and I haven't said a word about the lava lamp installation controlled by a rack of Xserves (just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should).

I started to sense that something was up, so I checked my feed reader and the guy is going nuts about me being here. I mean, there's wireless covering every inch of this property. Didn't you think I would notice?

Of course you did. Message received.

It's all fun and games until I get back to the White House. Then we'll see what's funny.

BTW - I'm sorry, tofu just isn't food. Not in burger form, not in tofurkey form, not in any form. If you want to eat hog slop then go for it, just don't be surprised when sane people don't join in.

Update: Seems it's finally over, but some clown is posting as me in the comments of the post noting the end of the iGrudge. I may be derivative, but I'm no spammer. Knock it off.

Prius FTW

2007-07-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Now Scoble is on the Prius bandwagon:

Are You a Hypermiler?

Why, yes. I am as a matter of fact. Thanks for asking.

If they ever make a Prius that doesn't look like it's a leftover prop from the set of Back to the Future Part II they'll finally have the megahit that automakers and oil freaks are so terrified of.

If I Were to Run, This Would be My Campaign Song

2007-07-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding

I won't be using the Nick Lowe or Costello versions (which I also love). I'm going with the ass-kicking loud and pissed off Steve Earle version.

Why that version? Two reasons:

I know it would cause people like my previous Greenie Award winner to be so busy blogging themselves silly about the controversial choice they won't notice how badly I would be kicking the ass of their candidate in the polls.
More importantly, I like the defiant feel this version gives to the lyrics. I've had it with people equating "democrat" with "wuss". No more. The gloves are off and all you whiners are being called out. If it's a fight you want, you've got it.

I'm done being a politician, I think I'll just be a leader now.

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

The time of ridiculing those who want a better world for ourselves and future generations is over. I've had enough.

Those Darn Activist Judges.... Oh, Wait

2007-07-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

Judge tosses out Valerie Plame's lawsuit

Does this mean we don't have to hear whining about activist judges anymore? I doubt it, but I would love for all of the people whining about "activist judges" to take their medicine and shut the hell up now.

Your Internet Forecast - Trolls Likely

2007-07-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Seems the combination of the iPhone release and the release of the final Harry Potter book has caused a web troll outbreak not yet observed by the likes of man.

Much like the warming of the ocean is creating super hurricanes, this one-two punch of geek news is causing blog comments, message boards, and social networks to be clogged by trolls and those who choose to feed them the precious attention they so desperately crave.

The apex of this troll outbreak is expected to occur in the early hours of Saturday, 7/21 followed by a slow weakening as the trolls succumb to sleep after basking in the glow of collecting the souls of the children whose spirits they have broken. That and the sugar crash from drinking their 4th 64oz big gulp of the day simply because it says "Squishee" on it.

That's what's happening in your neck of the web. We now return to our regular programming.

An Interview with Fake Al

2007-07-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

After my post about Winnie the Pugh (aka Lewis Pugh, aka The Polar Bear) I was contacted for an interview by some Brit rag. My publicist swore it was a legit paper, but I have my doubts. Now it looks like the story has been killed. Seems Big Rupert owns a stake in the paper and promised the CEO that Simon Cowell would go to his kid's birthday party if he made sure I didn't get any good press across the pond. Weird, right? It's a small world after all I suppose.

Anyway, I had the reporter send over the transcript. To be honest, there was no story here to begin with. I'm kind of glad they killed it.

Britporter: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I know you're busy preparing to ru...

Me: Let me stop you there friend. I won't answer any questions about any plans or intentions I have or haven't made. Let's move on. Surely you have something else.

Britporter: Alright then. Let's try some off the cuff "fun" questions, shall we?

Me: Go ahead.

Britporter: Here we go. Mac or PC?

Me: There are 90" of Apple displays behind me and I'm on the board at Apple, Inc. You tell me.

Britporter: I hear you are somewhat of a Sci-Fi buff. Which of the six Star Wars movies is your favorite?

Me: You can't be serious. First of all, there are only three of them. Secondly, anyone that argues for anything other than Empire is a total fool. I do love Sci-Fi though. I have people working around the clock on that Mr. Fusion thing from Back to the Future. How cool would that be?

Britporter: Right then. So I understand you fancy yourself as a champion of environmental concerns. What's that like?

Me: It's refreshing to talk with someone who has clearly done their homework. Unfortunately I believe an old friend just dropped by and I have to cut this short.

Britporter: I didn't hear anything.

Me: Get out.

I knew I should have cut the guy off after the first question, and if he was half a reporter he would have pushed the issue. The clock is ticking and I am sure one of these guys could probably get me to slip up if they tried hard enough.

I guess he'll just have to wait until September like everyone else.

Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Right - The Impostor

2007-07-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

So some site claims to have picked up my blog as some sort of fake network of fake bloggers. News to me.

One look at the posts on this "fake" site and the posts here reveal quite clearly who the real fake is.

Nice try, "Newsgroper". We both know which one is the real fake.

When Green is Not Good - Darth Nader Returns

2007-07-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

While FA wholeheartedly supports the idea of independents having a shot at the title, I also believe that the time for shenanigans and grandstanding has passed. (I'm looking at you, Nader.)

I nearly tossed my Organic Raisin Bran this morning when I saw this:

"Consumer advocate Ralph Nader says he's considering running for president, and accuses Democrats of trying to shut smaller parties out of the political process."

FFS. I can't imagine why we would want to keep you out Ralphie. It worked out so well having you around last time. BTW, no need for accusations, we're on the warpath (not that kind) this time. Last I checked, consumers are still being screwed left and right, so it appears you still have some other work to do.

This message brought to you by FOGB '08.

The Five Most Popular Topics - No. Way.

2007-07-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Most popular topics on CNN.com last week.

This is just sad. Come on people, you can do better than this. Both of the Beckhams? Really? Are they even two wholly different people?

You can't whine about nonsensical news coverage if this is what you choose when left to your own devices.

I am glad to see weather made the list though. ROFL ROFL ROFL.

Winnie the Pugh

2007-07-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

Lewis Gordon Pugh one ups me by swimming in the Arctic Ocean to draw attention to the melting ice caps.

Video here.

Well played, Pugh. Well played.

Stupidity Round-Up

2007-07-16T13:17:00.001-07:00

Geez, I take a day off and all hell breaks loose. Here are a couple of links to some simple-minded citizens who are apparently trying to make the case against free speech.

These guys are doing their feeble minded best to GoogleBomb the Draft Gore kids with a bunch of nonsense. Feel free to stop by and pay your respects. Be sure to use small words so as not to befuddle them.

Not to be outdone, these geniuses are turning racism into profits all the while pretending to be concerned citizens. Safe money says they have probably already spent their anticipated domain squatting proceeds on pork rinds and RC Cola. If you contact them please send all communications in Spanish. That is certain to cause their heads to explode and ruin the inside of their Klan hoods.

That seals it. GoreBama '08 it is.

Missing the Point

2007-07-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

A guy on flickr had the good sense to take this shot and document some poor decision making by some people during LE06.

Come on guys. This isn't helping. This is about as on message as an AA meeting inside a brewery. Honestly, using an airplane to tow a banner? As if flying in circles towing a banner wasn't bad enough, the banner wasn't even legible.

I know people are going to think I was behind this, but I assure you I was not. I'm not even sure the DraftGore people were behind it. A couple of them stopped by the office today and they don't seem like they would be this clueless.

Pat Sajak Hates Me? Who knew?

2007-07-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

Well maybe I misjudged my chances at returning to glory in 2008. After all, when a man who spins a wheel for a living feels comfortable knocking me in public... Oh who am I kidding? Does anybody listen to Sajak?

Check out this quote about me from 'ol smiley himself:

"They did a detailed breakdown of his big electric bill and it turned out that over 60% was directly attributable to the little light in his refrigerator... I saw Al standing on the corner; a cop came up to him and asked him to break it up... When he gets his shoes shined, he has to take the guy's word for it.... It's out of control!'

Hey oh! Recycled zinger brought to you by the world's most famous carny. Not just anybody can, you know, spin a giant wheel after all. Some folks spin policy and make a difference, others just spin wheels. Your move, carny.

Credit to this guy for the quote. More tirades from the head wheel watcher here.

Talking Points - O Liberal Media, Where Art Thou?

2007-07-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

So the L.A. Times apparently received the same talking points communiqué the infotainment bores were blathering on about on Rupert's air earlier this week.

I already pointed out the ridiculous nature of this report here, but it's worth noting as this showed up in an L.A. paper. You know, the paper from the land of the people who are all supposedly worshiping before the great and powerful Gore.

Even a hack like Gary McChuckles might bristle at a cheap line like this one:

"Perhaps what we really need next is a live global concert to raise awareness about the omnipresence of live global concerts trying to raise awarenesses."

How about this? Perhaps we need reporters who get busy uncovering real stories instead of trying to out yuk each other. Leave that to the bloggers.

The Great Communicator

2007-07-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

People have noticed that I have become more open in the last few years. In the spirit of continuing this new found willingness to share I have joined jaiku.

Many of the college kids who are begging me to run tell me this thing is cool, so I'll give it a shot.

You'll find the feed for this site is linked there and I may just pop in from time to time with less deliberate posts than you'll find here at YCCMA.

Tired of Live Earth?

2007-07-11T09:14:00.001-07:00

Neither am I.

Lucky for us, Li'l Live Earth and I play a prominent role on tonight's episode of Li'l Bush. I have to admit I like my Futurama self better than my Li'l Bush self.

Fat jokes? Fine, I have developed thick skin about that (see I can make jokes too). But why make me an albino?

The Assault on Logic

2007-07-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Even though this article over at Town Hall seems less insane than most - they did manage to go the whole length of the article without typing "libs" even once and the "dems" count is surprisingly low - they eventually veer into the land of FUD just like the rest of these sites.

On countering the "plans" of the Democrats:

"So far, our only response to the Democratic promises on Peace, Health Care and the Environment is that liberal solutions don’t work and tend to make situations worse than before."

This is true and it's ironic because this sort of nonsense wouldn't cut it in Corporate America. Even the most incompetent middle manager knows to cut you off indefinitely if you come to the table with problems and don't offer potential solutions.

So maybe these guys aren't so bad. Right? Easy tiger, keep reading.

"In a sense, the two natural issues for Republicans – fighting terrorism and protecting economic growth – have been taken off the table by the remarkably successful administration of George W. Bush (regardless of his low approval ratings). The President has done such an outstanding job of keeping the nation safe from major attack, and keeping the economy chugging reliably forward, that most Americans take this success for granted."

OMG. I didn't read that right did I? Ok, ok. This is too good. Let's break it down point by point.

"the two natural issues for Republicans – fighting terrorism and protecting economic growth"

Mmmmmm. That's good FUD. This is ridiculous as it assumes the rest of us dream of being blown up as we live in cardboard boxes eating government subsidized Ramen noodles. It's laughable to assume that difference of opinion is equal to disinterest. Also, I believe the two natural issues you meant to cite are twisting capitalism into a pale imitation of its former self and making puppies cry.

"remarkably successful administration of George W. Bush (regardless of his low approval ratings)"

Sorry. I fell off my chair for a moment. No comment.

"President has done such an outstanding job of keeping the nation safe from major attack, and keeping the economy chugging reliably forward"

There was a bear attack near my home in Tennessee a few years ago. After the bear attack I put a scarecrow in the front yard. There have not been any bear attacks since I put up the scarecrow. Therefore it's safe for me to assume the scarecrow alone has done an outstanding job of keeping me safe from bears.

As an aside the same scarecrow may or may not defend against robots, but that is difficult to determine. I'm selling them for $1 million each. Any takers? Special discounts for no bid contracts (wink wink). They can be personalized for an extra $19.99.

Well That's Just Tacky

2007-07-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

In their neverending quest to bust my chops over everything I do the fine kids over at Rupert's place put out another little blurb about the coverage of Live Earth.

From their "report":

"In Britain, the primetime audience peaked at 4.5 million — only one-third the audience of the Princess Diana tribute concert six days earlier."

Wow. Amazing. The tribute of a beloved icon was more popular in her homeland than a concert festival intended to spur people into making an effort to help the environment? That's ace reporting, just like in the old days.

With skills like that I wouldn't be surprised if they were finally able to prove that more people watched the finale of MASH than AfterMASH. It's always impressive to follow the work of those who excel in their field. Bravo Britster! Masterful work really.

iGrudge

2007-07-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

So I said I was sorry for spilling the beans and revealing that I had an iPhone ahead of release day and Steve still won't lay off me.

You are so not invited to Live Earth 2 now. And I was totally going to make the backdrop of the stage out of the LED iMacs you have coming out next month. Oops! Did I spill another secret?

This Just In... Coal Miners Want More Coal Plants

2007-07-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well, golly gee I guess I stand corrected. I mean, if the people who make a living off of them say we should have more plants that's all I need to know. Hard to argue with them. It's not like coal miners have an astronomically high rate of job-related illnesses or anything. Nothing better than a good old lung-ful of carbon. Mmmmmmm. Carbon. It does a body good.

In related news, Exxon announced they will fund a grant to help develop V20 low-MPG engines. Exxon spokesperson Cash McGreenback said:

"Look, Exxon appreciates vehicles such as Hummers and poorly maintained SUVs that get poor mileage as much as the next tycoon. But that's not enough. Our shareholders are growing accustomed to massive profits, and to continue that trend we are excited to announce the funding of this grant that will benefit us all (wink wink). Who knows, we might just break the 10 MPG barrier if we all just believe."

These guys sure do love C02, but I have yet to see them sucking on tailpipes for sustenance. I am sure they would if they could. Maybe if we all just believe.

Republican4Life - Greenie Awards

2007-07-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

After seeing the backlash over Live Earth driven by those who are so content suckling on the fossil fuel teat I decided I would institute the first annual "Greenie Awards" to be given to the biggest jackasses across the internet. The first Greenie goes to the proud soul known as 'republican4life" on the cafepharma boards. I know, I know who would have thought that someone who makes a living by pushing processed chemicals would not be in my camp? Shocking.

Here's a brief quote from this genius:

"How about this libs?

To be fair, why don't we have a concert that's pro-America? We can have real singers like Tede NUgent, Skynyrd and proud country artists talk about pride and debunk Gore's bs.

As for me, I don't hate America or money so I used up more energy this wekeend then ever! LOL"

I don't know who this "Tede NUgent" fellow is, but that doesn't look like a very Pro-American name to me. As for the "proud" country artists... Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, so I don't see any need to have them around (unless you mean Willie which I am sure that you don't). I am a Christian after all, and I wouldn't want to associate with those who wish to sings songs about shoving footwear up the asses of others (I must have missed that line in the Bill of Rights). Not much to be proud of if you ask me.

So enjoy your Greenie "republican4life" and don't call me when your Hummer runs out of gas on the way to the NASCAR race and your Milwaukee's Best just won't stay cold because it's so flingin flangin hot outside.

Congrats you fine pillar of society!

I Am The Great and Powerful Gore

2007-07-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

At least that's what the whiners would have you believe. Apparently the only time rock stars perform concerts is when I order them to do so. When not performing at Live Earth they sit at home patiently waiting for the GorePhone to ring alerting them when and where they are allowed to play.

It's ridiculous that whiners like this guy are claiming that all of these rock stars would have been twiddling their thumbs at home had it not been for Live Earth. Yes, because everyone knows that summer is not the time for concerts and festivals. These idiots would have you believe that the Red Hot Chili Peppers would just be hanging around in a candle-lit room hoping I'll give them something to do rather than playing a non-green festival somewhere else.

I am the Great and Powerful Gore according to my critics. I appreciate the heads up. Apparently I slept through the part where Morgan Freeman endowed me with all of God's power, thus enabling me to exert mind control over the masses who sit and wait for my call. Thanks to them I know that I control all of the Earth's energy consumption as apparently people only perform or attend concerts when I sponsor them.

Greenest. Festival. Ever. Deal with it. You know damn well as soon as you naysayers figure out a way to profit from green initiatives you'll all jump on the bandwagon. See you then. The more the merrier, just don't expect me to forget that you are pointing and laughing now.

Why Are You Reading This?

2007-07-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

You should be watching Live Earth! Put down the laptop (don't forget to turn it off and unplug) and gather a group to watch!

And They Say I Don't Have a Sense of Humor

2007-07-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

I hope I have a chance to cameo again when Futurama comes back. Thanks for pitching in Matt! I'm no Gary McChuckles by any stretch of the imagination, but I am not afraid to poke fun at my image.

Please, Liberal Media, Stop Helping

2007-07-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

If I am supposed to get by with a little help from my friends I am totally screwed. It seems Gary McChuckles filed a story with the AP (bastion of the evil liberal media) that makes me believe he is paid per pun rather than per word.

Seriously, liberal media, stop helping me if this is the best you can do.

Let's start with the headline.

"Gore's son in joint after drug bust"

Mmmmm. Pun-a-licious. Joint, get it? He's saying one thing while meaning another. You're a sly one McChuckles.

It gets better.

"Talk about going green!"

Zing! See what he did there? They should totally have embedded some schecky horn or rimshot audio to go along with this story. How has Lorne Michaels not snapped this guy up? You go, McChuckles. You're on fire.

But wait, there's more! I know, I know how could there possibly be more? Such genius already laid bare for all the world to see. Clearly this is the greatest comedic mind of our time.

"The deputies said they smelled pot smoke - a potential greenhouse gas - and searched the car."

Look out David Sedaris, your reign as the king of dry wit and subtlety is officially under siege. Gary McChuckles is coming for you.

McChuckes then trots out the old chestnut about my home in Tennessee as the encore to his tour de force of schtick. Snopes already cleaned up the mess about my home/office here.

Plans and Intentions

2007-07-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Some have said that I finally put to rest the belief that I would run. I'd say they need to look again.

"I don’t have any plans or any intentions of being a candidate again"

What does that really mean?

plan (plān) n. - A scheme, program, or method worked out beforehand for the accomplishment of an objective: a plan of attack.

in·ten·tion (ĭn-těn'shən) n. - An aim that guides action; an objective.

can·di·date (kān'dĭ-dāt', -dĭt) n. - A person who seeks or is nominated for an office, prize, or honor.

The objective of the plans I have made is not to simply become a candidate. Been there, done that. I intend to win and the purpose of the win is not the office itself. More TBA.

So there you have it. When people start whining and claiming "flip flop" once the announcement comes you can all point and laugh at their stupidity knowing I did no such thing.

There's No Point In Hiding It...

2007-07-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you have all seen it in the news by now, and I am not going to shy away from discussing a topic like this. I even appeared on the Today Show to talk about it. Here goes...

"I've fallen out of love with politics."

What? You expected something else? n00bs.

Notice how carefully I worded my statements though. If you've read my book, The Assault on Reason, you know how I feel about how easily distracted most sheeple are. In order to preserve my "surprise" until exactly the right moment, I'll be taking advantage of that fact for as long as I can. Here's my quote:

“I don’t have any plans or any intentions of being a candidate again. The main reason is I am involved in a different kind of campaign to try to raise awareness to what I believe is truly the most-serious crisis our civilization has ever faced.”

You have to give it to me, I pulled that off on live TV. I defy you to find a more perfect non-answer. I'll answer that question soon enough, but it will be on my terms.

As for that "other" story about me in the news... Who knew you could do 100mph in a Prius? Why are we still driving regular cars? Notice which news agency left out that part.

Knock Knock - "It's Me, Clime-y!"

2007-07-03T11:36:00.001-07:00

So I sent my buddy Climate Change up to the White House to see if I could make any headway with the Man on the Hill.

Here's how it went:

Climate Change: "Sir, do you have a second?"
Man On Hill: "Lord? Is that you?"
Climate Change: "For the last time, it's me, climate change."
Man On Hill: "Oh, you again. Look, I'm real busy and I've been warned about talking to you Clime-y."
Climate Change: "I know, I know. Have you seen what's going on in Texas? People are starting to build Arks it's so wet down there. I've sent them like 30 days straight of rain. It's like 85 degrees and rainy. In Texas. In JULY. How you like me know?"
Man On Hill: "Well, that's real nice, huh? Good weather for clearing brush, I'll tell you what."
Climate Change: "Erm, no? Not that people are unhappy or anything. I mean, who really likes 110 degree heat except the electric company? Am I right? Am I right?"
Man On Hill: "Heh heh, utilities. But that's cooler than normal? So we're all done here right? I did it. I fixed the enviro-ment!"
Climate Change: "Nevermind. See you next time."
Man On Hill: "Heh. Heh. There won't be a next time Clime-y, but I'll always remember pretending you don't exist during our time together. No hard feelings, ok?"
Climate Change: "Whatever."

Woke Up This Morning...

2007-07-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

...and laughed hysterically. The latest scandal they are trying to dig up on me is that... GASP ...I wanted to get a screener of the Sopranos finale. ROTFLMAO. I'd say it's a good sign for me that this is the best they can do right now. Here's how Fox "News" covered this "story":

"Former Vice President Al Gore hasn’t stopped believing he can get special favors for being a political figure."

"Gore, a die-hard fan of the show, and his wife, Tipper, were scheduled to be on a plane for an appearance in Istanbul when the episode was aired, so they petitioned Grey for a copy."

Oooooh. Sinister. Some (by some I mean "sane") people might say that I was a fan and simply made a phone call to see if I could get a copy. Others (see quote above) waste bandwidth trudging up nonsense to pander to their rabid fan base. To each his own.

Here's how the Times article (registration required) covered it:

"So Mr. Gore, now better known as the star of “An Inconvenient Truth” than as the former vice president of the United States, called Brad Grey, the chairman of Paramount whose studio distributed his documentary, for a favor.

After the tale of Mr. Gore’s special delivery made the rounds of Hollywood political circles, the Republican candidate Rudolph W. Giuliani called Mr. Grey, a longtime friend, to complain. Why didn’t he get a special “Sopranos” delivery, too?"

Notice any difference? First, there is no attempt to make this into anything more than the gossipy waste of ink that it is. Next they conveniently "forgot" about the part where Big Rudy "petitioned" for a copy as well. I guess it's cool for him to do it since I asked first. Must be opposite day in the land of fair and balanced news.

That Darn Liberal Media

2007-07-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite myths is that of the all powerful liberal media and the influence of Hollywood. Let's look at this guy's latest "me too" entry into that arena that again beats a long dead horse:

"Why has the media decided that U.S. has lost the war in Iraq?

Because a Republican is in power. And not just any Republican, George W. Bush — who stole the 2000 election from its rightful winner, even after the media declared Gore the victor; and then went on to win re-election in 2004 despite the press telling us that he had no political support in the country."

Do all of these people go into hibernation when Democrats are in office? Seriously, I have to put up with all the same nonsense as any other powerful person. Yet somehow I still have to listen to these people tell me I get a free ride from the media I supposedly carry in my pocket? With friends like the "liberal media" who needs enemies?

To this day I still have to put up with people regurgitating the nonsense about my supposed claim of "inventing the internet." Thanks for putting that one to bed liberal media! You guys are so awesome, and I'm glad you don't just live in the imagination of a whiny oversensitive faction of people who possess incredibly selective memories.

Et tu, Steve?

2007-07-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

So I guess I wasn't supposed to let it be known that I had gotten my iPhone quite that early. Either that or Steve really, really hates my solar iPhone idea.

I guess what's acceptable for some old guy from the Wall Street Journal isn't so good for the former VP. I'm not saying I hold grudges, but you might want to hope that options scandal resolves itself before 2008 rolls around.

Enough of this, I've got a party to plan.

They're On to Me

2007-06-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

The kids over at AlterNet are getting warmer (no pun intended) about my plans for the future.

"I have never met Mr. Gore. I make no claim to any inside knowledge on this question. I have no idea whether he's gaining or losing weight.

But I think he's coming.

I think he's going to find it impossible to resist.

And I think progressives should get busy, right now, working to hasten the day."

Easy, fellas. All in due time. You ever been to a Stones show? They make you wait FOREVER before they come on stage and it's not all because Keith is passed out backstage. I'm working on it, and it's going to be big.

"Plus, you want to know the first thought that will spring into the minds of 90 percent of Obama supporters, the instant that Gore announces?

"Gore/Obama 2008.""

You're close, but "GoreBama 08" makes a better bumper sticker. I'm listening.

It's Nice to Be Loved

2007-06-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something about this blogger that just warms my heart. Take a look:

"I've said before that Al Gore has the distinct quality among modern politicians of being right on nearly every major issue, years before they become popular."

You like me, you really like me. Keep 'em coming. One never tires of well deserved props.

Yes, I have an iPhone

2007-06-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

It.s aewseom. I am posting this entrée with it. Thee predictive text works grate. (Just kidding. It really does work fabulously.)

Congrats to Apple, Inc. on a great product. Although I guess they forgot to include that solar cell power source I kept telling them about. Maybe next time.

Green Party... Not that One

2007-06-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

So there's a little shindig I put together you might want to check out. It's a green event (of course) despite what the naysayers are going on about ("Gorestock?" You guys are precious, really.). Seriously, even the web hosting is green.

See you in Jersey. Just don't bother me during DMB's set. Especially if they are playing BWBF.

I Hear You

2007-06-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

The time has come that I can no longer ignore the call of those who wonder why I haven't jumped into the race for the Democratic nomination.

People say I'm Crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin

To those people I will simply say that I have made my intentions clear.

When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game

Stay tuned.

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll

Maybe everyone else is in a race for second. I kid, I kid! You guys are great, really you are. GoreBama would make a great bumper sticker though. Just saying...