I'm Blowing Up

But not like you think. I kid, I kid with the fat jokes. Renders them powerless. Anyway, check this out. I won the freaking Nobel Prize. Fake crisis my ass.

Just taking a break from the party to say one thing.

What do all these things have in common?

• The Oval Office
• Me
• Nobel Prize

They're three things that will be spending a lot of time together very soon.

Gore out.

Gore FTW - #1 Feels Better than #3

So, old Al's not looking so crazy anymore, huh? Daily Kos noticed that I had beaten out the heel nippers handily in a poll out of Detroit.

Never have I said so much so loudly as I have by saying nothing at all. I love it when a plan comes together.

You other candidates feel free to keep knocking yourselves out on the campaign trail. It's certainly fun to watch. With that, I'll reference the post that started this whole thing.

Time's almost up. Stay tuned.

Videoblogs? Not Anymore - Thanks, iMovie '08

So I was all set to start a new Inconvenient Truth series of video podcasts. Been telling everyone I know how awesome it would be. Imagine my surprise when I go to edit the first episode in the new iMovie and I am presented with what appears to be Windows Movie Maker's pretty but dumb third cousin.

Although I sit on the board at Apple, they don't often listen to me about anything (see: lack of solar-powered iPhone). If they had showed iMovie '08 to me prior to its release I would have had some friends from the DEA raid Infinite Loop looking for psychotropic drugs. Multiple clicks in areas that used to require a single click? Dialog boxes? I can't import my '06 projects? WTF? Did we hire J. Allard as a "coolness" consultant or something? How is this an Apple product?

Oh well, at least my stock will go up. You guys would have like the podcast though. Now you'll never be able to experience its greatness. You wouldn't have believed the surprise guest I had who said they would only "come out" as a greenie if they could do it on my show. Such is the iLife I suppose.

Third Place Feels Just Fine

So some poll shows that I am in third place support-wise on the Democrat side. By simply doing nothing I have pulled ahead of Edwards. Seems my strategy is paying off. I haven't been in the limelight to make any stupid mistakes, I haven't spent any money, and I didn't have to participate in that ridiculous YouTube debate.

I think I like Politics 2.0.

My Sendoff to Karl

So, the big man steps down. I cannot think of a happier time in recent memory. It inspires the creative side of me that can only be expressed in haiku. Here's to you, evil genius:

Heard the news today
Even evil needs some rest
The sun shines again

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, or do. I don't care. As long as you actually leave.

On the other hand, you looking for work? An evil genius might be good to have on staff I suppose.

When They Say "Predicts" What They Mean is "Wishes For"

From that horrible WordPress CNN blog:

"Gingrich predicts Clinton/Obama ticket"

I think a lot of hardcore conservatives are joining him in "predicting" that. I am sure he is on his knees pray.. I mean predicting that each and every day.

With Friends Like This... - iGrudge Round 3

So I came out to California for a few days thinking I could clear the air and end the feud me and you know who have apparently been having. I thought everything was going well. I've been nice. I haven't mentioned that the guest house smells of sweat soaked hot yoga mats and incense, and I haven't said a word about the lava lamp installation controlled by a rack of Xserves (just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should).

I started to sense that something was up, so I checked my feed reader and the guy is going nuts about me being here. I mean, there's wireless covering every inch of this property. Didn't you think I would notice?

Of course you did. Message received.

It's all fun and games until I get back to the White House. Then we'll see what's funny.

BTW - I'm sorry, tofu just isn't food. Not in burger form, not in tofurkey form, not in any form. If you want to eat hog slop then go for it, just don't be surprised when sane people don't join in.

Update: Seems it's finally over, but some clown is posting as me in the comments of the post noting the end of the iGrudge. I may be derivative, but I'm no spammer. Knock it off.

If I Were to Run, This Would be My Campaign Song

What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding

I won't be using the Nick Lowe or Costello versions (which I also love). I'm going with the ass-kicking loud and pissed off Steve Earle version.

Why that version? Two reasons:

1. I know it would cause people like my previous Greenie Award winner to be so busy blogging themselves silly about the controversial choice they won't notice how badly I would be kicking the ass of their candidate in the polls.
2. More importantly, I like the defiant feel this version gives to the lyrics. I've had it with people equating "democrat" with "wuss". No more. The gloves are off and all you whiners are being called out. If it's a fight you want, you've got it.
   

I'm done being a politician, I think I'll just be a leader now.

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

The time of ridiculing those who want a better world for ourselves and future generations is over. I've had enough.

An Interview with Fake Al

After my post about Winnie the Pugh (aka Lewis Pugh, aka The Polar Bear) I was contacted for an interview by some Brit rag. My publicist swore it was a legit paper, but I have my doubts. Now it looks like the story has been killed. Seems Big Rupert owns a stake in the paper and promised the CEO that Simon Cowell would go to his kid's birthday party if he made sure I didn't get any good press across the pond. Weird, right? It's a small world after all I suppose.

Anyway, I had the reporter send over the transcript. To be honest, there was no story here to begin with. I'm kind of glad they killed it.

Britporter: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I know you're busy preparing to ru...

Me: Let me stop you there friend. I won't answer any questions about any plans or intentions I have or haven't made. Let's move on. Surely you have something else.

Britporter: Alright then. Let's try some off the cuff "fun" questions, shall we?

Me: Go ahead.

Britporter: Here we go. Mac or PC?

Me: There are 90" of Apple displays behind me and I'm on the board at Apple, Inc. You tell me.

Britporter: I hear you are somewhat of a Sci-Fi buff. Which of the six Star Wars movies is your favorite?

Me: You can't be serious. First of all, there are only three of them. Secondly, anyone that argues for anything other than Empire is a total fool. I do love Sci-Fi though. I have people working around the clock on that Mr. Fusion thing from Back to the Future. How cool would that be?

Britporter: Right then. So I understand you fancy yourself as a champion of environmental concerns. What's that like?

Me: It's refreshing to talk with someone who has clearly done their homework. Unfortunately I believe an old friend just dropped by and I have to cut this short.

Britporter: I didn't hear anything.

Me: Get out.

I knew I should have cut the guy off after the first question, and if he was half a reporter he would have pushed the issue. The clock is ticking and I am sure one of these guys could probably get me to slip up if they tried hard enough.

I guess he'll just have to wait until September like everyone else.